12-30-2012 12:34 PM - edited 12-31-2012 01:39 PM
I don't really know where to start., but I wanted to write this thread for a very very long time now. For those who meet me on PSN and asked me If I was OK I would like to thank you, but no I am not fully OK. Lately I have been dealing with low moods, and occurring mood swings, actually to tell you the truth I been dealing with this for a few years now ( well basically almost my whole childhood) . I would try to be involved in school or activities and try to have an active social live, but then after that when I am at home or at school I feel like **bleep** and be depressed for like an hour or so or the rest of the day. I don't know why I am always depressed, but lately I have been going threw some stuff in my childhood that probably made me depressed today. We let me start of when I was in Elementary school, when I was a young boy I moved to Georgia in 2002 and got enrolled in a new school. I didn't take very long for the student figured out that I was a real comedian, I would make jokes and dance in front of the class sometimes to make people laugh. Then people start to hang around me more then I though I was popular in school almost all the teachers knew me there so I though I had a good life. Then there was some haters there who didn't like me getting all the attention so they started to called me names which I act the time affected me but latter I didn't really give a **bleep**. I was a very active talkative person then after a few years I started to think do these people actually like me because I am funny or do they like me because of my personality. I didn't want to be know as just funny, then the doors finally opened turns out they just liked me because I was funny but when I stopped being funny they didn't talk to me anymore. So that really affected me for the rest of my elementary years. But after all that I made some friends but of course I lost them because they hang out with me because I was only funny, but one friend stayed by my side threw that, Me and him were best friends, we went to church together, went to each others house, and even go somewhere together. I though I had the perfect friend and we were going to be BFFs for life, but when I went to the 5th grade that's when I realized he wasn't the friend Imagined to be. He started to talk to other people more and then when I went to middle school he vanished like I didn't know were he went to. I always wondered were he was and how he was doing. So after 4 years I found out he went to another school with out telling me about it, I was so **bleep** when that happened because he had my number and he didn't even bothered to call and tell me he went to another school, and we were suppose to be best friends. I worried about him almost every **bleep** day and this how he treats a friend so I was depressed about that for a while, because now he probably forgot all about me and **bleep** and made new friends so I said fk him and move on.
So that's is part of the reasons why I am depressed all the time is loneness like no one actually like me as a real person they thought I was different and not like them, well they some of them knows that I am in some Special ED classes well resource classed not because I am dumb or anything because I have a hard time understanding the lessons at a fast pace. I also have ADHD and a learning disorder as well so people think I just crazy will sometimes I can't control it, but I didn't let that disorder stop me I am currently working my way out of Small classes, and going to bigger classes( which I am doing fine in my bigger classes, except for French lol) I use to take pills to help control my ADHD but I acted even more weird with them like I wouldn't talk and people thought I was crazy which is funny because When I talked more they though I was crazy and when I stopped talking they thought I was even more crazier because I didn't talk ( I was like make up your **bleep** mind people) Then I decided I don't need a FK pill to control my ADHD, and I don't need a FK pill to make me smart either(which BTW I had good gradeswith that pill, because it made me focus more) So I am still controlling my ADHD on my own, but It is sometimes hard to do, but I know I can do it. Another reason why people though I was weird because of my mood swings like I get **bleep** off for no reason and become like FK Chuck Norris( or **bleep** off) when I talk lol( and I am loud and sometimes to, btu soemtimes they mistaken me for beging mad which I am really not at time it's just the way I talk lol.), I sometimes can't control it because it is a family gene that I have and stuff. I have mood swings every once in a while like because I feel alone when no one is talking to me and the whole has is talk to other people besides me, or when were going a partner activity no one picks me to be there partner I have to find a group to work with myself. So at first I become sad, then mad as hell the next second and start to hate society, and after that I sometimes feel better and be happy but sometimes I don't. Now that I think of it this is maybe why I get depressed all the time. Is because of people in today's society, like they don't know how to accept people now a days, because there different. I went though a lot of deaths, sadness, and family problems in my life time but I think this is the main reason my I get depressed a lot. Then sometimes I get depressed with my so called friends as I mentioned before they act like there your friend one day and don't act like it the next or don't even talk to you anymore, they just moved on and find new better friends. To tell you the truth I think never had one True friend in my whole childhood(which is pretty sad.). But anyway back to the topic since I fell like I don't feel accepted in real life I turned to social networking. I make a lot of friends threw social nextworking and meet a lot of intestine people threw there as well, they seem to accepted you more threw there then in real like which is pretty FK up if you aksed me and should be the other way around. Then I know that I wasn't the problem it was some of the people around me that was the problem. Before I knew all this I though I was the issue and sometime I had thoughts of what is my puropse in life, and should I still be a live if people didn't want me and **bleep**.
(I thought this would all change in high school but no it was the same thing, so much for the great "High School Experience")
So I tried to talk to people about it like my "friends" ( this was before I thought they were fake) and they kept given me the BS that everyone says when someone is depressed, (everyone gets depressed and talk about it to people) at the time I didn't really want to here it because to me it felt like they did really understand how I felt and **bleep** they just gave me advice so they don't want to hear it and **bleep**, so I talk to my parents(which I am surprised I did) and they kina of did the same thing my friends did, so I decided not to talk to people about it tell today, I decided enough is enough and I wanted to ended this BS so I did decided to talk to my parents more about it ( which I didn't told them the whole story on how I felt) and they said the best thing for me to do is find friends like in after school actives and **bleep** ( which I tried but they didn't talk to me as well....) and they said there are millions of people in the world that can be your friend, and don't let those people at school bring you down, because you have your whole life ahead of you. Those words echoed though my head ever since, after that when I have thoughts of suicide( when I was younger, I wasn't really going to do it) I told me self not be weak, and told my self what my parents told me, so I stop think that way still. After that I got some advice form my international friends on skype, and they said the same thing they told me I was a kind person and told me more about my personality( over the internet can you believe this? and we never meet in real life!!!) So after they said that I felt happy about my self, and didn't let depression get the best of my life now. I also I looked up more about depression and how to treat it when I am felling that way. Don't get me wrong I still fell depressed now and then, but not as much anymore. I couldn't remember the last time when I was truly happy but that made me happy to know that there is someone out there who really accepted me the way I am and think I am a person, and that moment really brought tears to my eyes( lol It' kind of strange to have a friend over the internet that you never meet before( but I do use caution still with them).
Anyway the purpose of this thread was not to focus about me but is to reach out to all the people who are suffering through depression like I am today. There arem any types of depression actually, there are the normal ones,and there are the server ones. I don't know which I am but here are the symptoms I go threw, I cry sometimes, fell down, can't sleep, don't eat, being isolated from people, look at the window for hours, don't talk, and etc. If you are suffering through this my best advice is to be strong and talk it out with someone you trust the most, like a teacher, true friends, your parents, or best of all a counselor and to realize that your not alone,you will never be alone, the people who care for you the most will all way be there to support you every step of the way. There are many treatment centers for depression out there, they can tell you which type of depression you have and give you medication for it, and give you tips on how to over come it. But please please please don't hold it all in talk to people about it, go even deep in it if you have to, don't wait for years like me to say something because I promise you all that guilt and BS is going to eat you up inside, and once you talk it out you well fell even better latter on. I not trying to created a thread like this to get attention, but to help those who are just like me going threw depression, I know there are millions of people out there who are like me and if one of them hears my message then I know I had achieved my purpose. Please always tell your self never to give up and keep fight strong( If I can do it so can you ), I know you can over come your depression (I believe in you) . I know in the few years ahead it going to be a winding road for me, I know I am going to have a lot of ups and downs but hey that part of life right? All I can do is stay strong as in my spot and face it like a man. I feel a little bet free now that I shared my story with people but I am still not OK, but I will try to let go of the past and move on to what GOD has in store for me, and hopefully I can make many TRUE friends and meet very interesting people along the way. I forgot to ad this end here if you ever been told you aren't nothing or your not **bleep**, etc. Well you not alone alot of people tell me that sometimes even my parents( will they did that to make me stronger), but at the end I will prove the wrong and prove to them there the one who is nothing. I also dream about death sometimes, like I would die in the future I not afraid of death, but IDK why I dream about death all the time, is it from my depression or are these dreams trying to tell me something?
Also if anyone want to just talk about what there going threw in live or why they are depressed and soemthing they just want to get of there chest, you can PM me and me we can talk about it together if you like. I would galdly like to here you story, and hopefuly help you along the way.
Thanks for Reading!!!!!!!!!
*I am sorry for any grammer mistakes or speling in this entry*
12-30-2012 04:54 PM
12-30-2012 05:57 PM
12-30-2012 06:03 PM - edited 12-30-2012 06:04 PM
You guy are seriously heartless, Come on, could you just not waste 5 min to hear the dude out? What is it, late for your Midnight Eggroll Tickling?
Anyway, here's a sum up:
My friends here is depressed because people don't like him for who he is, he make some friends back at school, those "Friends" are actually betrayer, they follow him because he was talkative and funny, in short they think of him as a personal clown and not a true friend, and when he stop being fun anymore, they leave him. I can totally understand this, sometime true friendship take time to grow, you just have to be yourself, do not try to change who you are, and people will know you for you, and then Friendship will be made, and bond like that is everlasting
Yeah thank you for understanding, a least you know how i feel. And I try to make friends but they are fake like they like you one day and the next no, Hopefully when i get older that would all change. And hopefully find a GF latter as well, because I never had a girlfreind before because they all think i am ugly and **bleep**, so im like f you girls.
12-30-2012 06:16 PM
12-30-2012 06:22 PM - edited 12-30-2012 06:33 PM
A true man score a chick not because of his look, but with his talent and boldness, you can be as ugly as Luther Van Dorres ( Kentucky Fried Eating MotherF****) and still get yourself a woman if:
You show her what you can do, your talent, if your talent is being funny, than impress a girl by telling JOKES
You are a macho man, remember that, be super strong, girl like guy who they can count on
You must be Bold, ask a girl straight out, girl like guy that are brave and bad***
Be like that and you score a chick in no time, trust me, I'm a love guru, I have like 20 girlfriends before, sadly my 18th one turn out to be my wife but life is just sometime went unexpected
Thank You Love DR. KAZ, I not ugly these hillbilly, and racket girls just don't know what hot is. I have a strong personality, but those girls don't. I might not look like a model of A&F but God Damnit I am one hell of a man when it come to personaity and being myself.